Falling from the bed with a Hope and a Prayer!

Good morning everyone.  I just leaned down for the cord for my computer and fell out of bed..  I couldn’t even keep myself from falling, but I seem to be ok.  Kind of scary, though.  Nothing broken that I can feel, so let’s carry on.  Hope everyone had a great Father’s Day wherever there was a father to celebrate.  Ours had a great day golfing with his son and then admiring his grill products, as he has never really had a decent grill…….until now!  Why didn’t we know that grilling is so simple and fun and a great way to have left-over pizza.  Seriously, try it.  The pizza gets crispy and gooey and wonderful.

Well, not the greatest week for me; let me tell it.  I have been worrying that my weakness has been getting worse, and that it is a sign that things are progressing kind of rapidly.  Here’s what I have noticed: first of all, as I said last week, I’ve had some swelling in the ankles, bruising and my face has turned into chipmunk cheeks—all signs of long-term steroid use.  OK,  I get that.  I have support hose.  My face does look weird, but at least it is round as I try to gain some more weight.  What hasn’t been perfect for me is that I have had to tell myself that my ability to get up stairs or walk any distance has been getting worse, not  better, even as we gave me a little exercise routine to do every day.

Luckily, I went to see my oncologist on Friday. I thought maybe my red cell count would be low enough to explain why I can’t get up and down the stairs.  Well, the red cell count was good, so that didn’t explain it.  But when my sis and I started talking to the oncologist, she had me get up from a chair, which took about 10 seconds!  She said to me, and I quote, “remember that steroids cause significant proximal muscle weakness.”  Well, this physician who clearly only played one on TV had completely forgotten that.  Oh my goodness!!!  Proximal muscle weakness!!  That is what I have!!!  Badly!!!  So we are tapering the steroids slowly and we’ll see what happens.  She answered every question with something positive and I feel so much better.  In addition, her secretary told me that I was allowed to be the patient; and she's right.  But I am so glad that I can begin to cut the steroids and see if we can build a little muscle up so getting to bed isn't quite so daunting.  Also, she approved our trip to Duxbury next week, so I am happily trying to find a bathing suit that won't fall off.

Also, I went to church with mom yesterday, and the whole congregation is going to read a book about a minister of an evangelical church who loses his faith and finds it again on a search for Francis of Assissi.  As I have time and I am deeply interested in both deciding what I really believe before I die and how others make choices, I am reading away.  I have also found a little meditation group, and I will meet with them for the first time this Thursday; I'll report back, but I have been meditation for about 10 minutes now before I take a nap every day.  This routine gets me up and able to participate  in evening events around here.  I'm sorry, what is up with the Heat?  We can't help ourselves, really.  Lebron is ours and we wish him well.  

I know I haven't told this before, but in our rush to clean out the third floor several weeks ago, we told the guys to take everything out of a small room where we had stored stuff after we put in air-conditioning.  Little did I know that the bookshelf with every one of my poetry books would be included in the clean out.  Even the lovely lounger where I sit to read the poetry books disappeared.  I have been in mourning, but now I feel as if those books must have been ready to go to someone else who can read and hold them longer.  I have other ways of finding poetry!

Praying

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.” 
― Mary Oliver, Thirst

Hope

Hope is with you when you believe
The earth is not a dream but living flesh,
That sight, touch, and hearing do not lie,
That all things you have ever seen here
Are like a garden looked at from a gate.

You cannot enter. But you're sure it's there.
Could we but look more clearly and wisely
We might discover somewhere in the garden
A strange new flower and an unnamed star.

Some people say we should not trust our eyes,
That there is nothing, just a seeming,
These are the ones who have no hope.
They think that the moment we turn away,
The world, behind our backs, ceases to exist,
As if snatched up by the hands of thieves.

~ Czeslaw Milosz ~

(The World)